Content not suitable for under-18s
Some pieces contain vulgarity and the occasional swear-word


RIP my great friend and kind host Jeremiah, gentleman, poet, independent man, shadow.

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Peter Hitchens has had a genius idea:

"I suggest that we are allowed to register as 'relaxed'. We will sign declarations that we will not sue anyone or claim on anyone's insurance if we catch Covid-19. We regard it as a minor risk of life, to be coped with.
"Employers...ask staff if they too are prepared to declare themselves 'relaxed'.
"Where this happens, all the footling palaver of visors, muzzles ... and 'social distancing' will be abandoned... Trains can have special 'relaxed' carriages where refreshments are served and baleful, doom-laden announcements are turned off... Everyone else can carry on, shrouded in gowns like the staff of a mortuary."

Brilliant, brilliant. But it needs extending into all walks of life, virus or not. Register as Relaxed, agree not to sue, and you're spared all Health and Safety nonsense. Sign a form saying you're Relaxed about the health risks and you're allowed to buy cigarettes in attractive undisfigured packets as if you were a grown-up in a free country. Sign up to be Relaxed about free speech, and you're allowed to say what you want without penalty; in return you agree not to complain when others do the same and it offends you. (I seem to remember this was actually tried in many countries for many years and the results were quite good.) Say that you're Relaxed about the fact that life is a finite and fragile thing and that you move through it cheerfully responsible for your own decisions, and the bars of the barbed-wire playpen are finally taken down.

I want a Relaxed mass movement, a Relaxed party, a Relaxed Prime Minister telling everyone to chill the hell out.


The phenomenon of famous or semi-famous liberal-darling social media addicts who normally feel compelled to comment on any daily news, add their tuppence on the least little storm in a teacup, suddenly posting nothing but, say, kitten pictures, nature notes, hints of works in progress, announcements that they have rearranged their bookshelves or sorted out their socks; studying their fingernails while outside the world burns, because deep down they don't really approve of riots, mass hysteria, the erasure of history, poster tests or the cancellation of JK Rowling but hey why rock the boat? The Germans probably have a word for it. (I have looked it up. It is Huhnscheisseshtumm.) It is funny, sad, pitiable, in some cases genuinely tragic; should not be judged too harshly by those of us with nothing to lose; is at least a step up from active collaboration with barbarism. I would be the last person to condemn anyone for living in a world of their own. But if this was a fairy-tale they would hereafter be cursed, or moved by a simple sense of shame, to hold their tongues on all topics for the rest of their lives, not having spoken now.


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Thank Christ that's all done with, awake now, sweet sweet reality. Look out the window...oh.

Could I go and live in Italy and suddenly start telling them their forebears oppressed my forebears and start pulling down all the bloody statues in Rome?

The people trying to pull the statues down should all be deported to an alternate world where the people in the statues never lived.

Sign a petition to ask the Prime Minister to protect the statue of Churchill. Petition? Petition? I have to petition the sod to do what he should be doing automatically?

If Boris isn't up to this he should step down in favour of Priti, and she should change her name to Kali, and add four mechanical arms holding scimitars, chainsaws, flamethrowers and so on and rampage through the streets killing without quarter.

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New more relaxed social-distancing rules -

You may:

- Meet up to TEN friends or family members each situated not less than SIX feet apart

- Go out for exercise up to TWICE in any 24-hour period

- Gather in mobs of NO MORE THAN 5000 people

- Burn down a maximum of FIVE shops per day

Also, still can't go to church, but everyone kneel down to revere a man who stuck a gun in a pregnant woman's belly, nothing at all creepy there


  I want to pitch a film, I want to pitch a film
  'Don't Fart'
  Like all those films where you can't make a noise or the monsters get you,
or you can't look at the monsters or they get you, only this time you have to hold your farts in
  The aliens have no sight or hearing but they can smell one part of fart per billion of air,
even the noisy ones that are odorless to humans, if you let rip they pounce
  You can distract them for a moment by throwing stink-bombs or rotten eggs but it still won't save you
  Only those with perfect arse control can survive, there are only about a couple of dozen humans left alive when the film opens, half of them the Royal Family
  Wait wait and there's a tribe of Amazons, aged 1950s babes who went to finishing school or the Rank Charm School, they don't fart either. They have resorted to genteel cannibalism and maraud around in E-Type Jags, but they spend so long getting out of them in a decorous way so you can't see their knickers that you can usually flee when they arrive
  Our heroes are an ordinary family who survive from day to day by virtue of an iron discipline over their hindquarters. They're tense and bloated but they're alive
  They're trying to make it to Fart Valley, a legendary haven where the aliens can't go and you're free to blow off to your heart's content
  But here's the twist: they have such perfect sphincter-control because they used to be professional farters, they were a cabaret act, they were the Von Trapps of farting
  They reminisce about it sadly, the time they blew out Beethoven's Ninth for the Prime Minister of Belgium, Dad's unparalleled triumph when he pulled off Flight of the Bumblebee at the White House
  They even laugh nostalgically about the time he sharted in front of the Pope
  They forlornly play with fart cushions but it isn't the same
  They're artists, you dig, this is a family, and most of us have known one, who not only love to fart but live to fart
  OK so they finally find the way to the promised land, Fart Valley, they bribe a 1950s Amazon with the last surviving Norman Hartnell dress or something and she gives them a map
  And they almost make it, there's one last bridge to cross and then they're safe, but as soon as they set foot on it the son stumbles and falls and lets rip
  And then, Jesus God, the aliens will come, and they all start farting in panic
  I forgot to mention that for weeks the only food they've been able to find is beans and so on and things that are slightly off and it's been taxing even them to hold the wind in, they're like balloons now
  And the father gives the mother a look and says, 'Go. I'll hold them off.'
  And he sacrifices himself so his family can get away, as they run he turns to confront the aliens with head held high and deliberately farts out a farewell performance that draws them all
  I don't know what it should be, something triumphant, Ride of the Valkyries or something, or something long and intricate, Inna Gadda da Vida maybe, or something poignant and apposite, Let My People Go or We Shall Overcome or Blowing in the Wind
  But whatever it is it's something he's never pulled off before, too difficult, we'll set that up earlier, this was the thing he tried to blow at the Vatican but he shit in the Pope's face
  But now he redeems himself, he does it
  And it's bloody magnificent
  The most beautiful and moving thing you've ever heard farted
  I think it should probably be 'Amazing Grace'
  Even the monsters are spellbound somehow, their proboscises twitch, maybe it smells incredible too, more and more of them gather but they wait for him to finish before eating him
  And his family, safe and free, look back tearfully as he's devoured
  They hold hands and solemnly fart out The Last Trump for him
  It echoes from mountain to mountain in tribute, lingering in the air

...And meanwhile we're living in a very surreal film called Don't Touch... Suddenly almost missing all those uninvited hugs and unwanted cheek-kisses... There'll be a backlash afterwards, I reckon, everyone even more touchy-feely than ever in sheer joie de vivre... Even boxers and bouncers walking down the street hand in hand, sober accountants licking each other's nostrils just because they can... in place of handshakes people leaping on each other's necks and rubbing their genitals in their faces... entire cities will screw indiscriminately in the streets, from Land's End to John O'Groats the whole country will be knotted together in one vast squirming orgy from which only I will be left out...


An even newer update


Update! There's an update! I have updated! Fresh! New material! Look! THE 237 NEW GENDERS


Ulrich's book has been republished by Dover in the US. Some of my own stash of copies of the original are also still available.


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My other book

Ulrich Haarburste's book

Also, I may be publishing one or two even newer and much stranger books next year


I am currently available for hire to do almost anything, up to and including murder and chicken-sodomy.


The Lost Art of Seduction

Why I Love Victor Mature's Eyelids

How To Be Calm

A Bad Kid


Where I Went for My Holidays

Bio Hazard

A Rare Find

Station XXX

Blood Thirsty

Bible Studies

Online Support Groups

Online Sperm Bank

Some Obscure Saints

Pass Notes

The Detectives' Exchange Scheme

French Intellectuals in Afghanistan

Dear Clarissa

Can We Smoke On Planes Now?

Was ist das 'Go'?

New Humanist Pieces

Your Questions Answered

Rogue Mail

How to Avoid Christmas

Gene Genie

Pour le Cinephiles


Interview Archive

Love Birds

Breaking News

Strange Meeting

The City on the Edge of Tomorrow

Around the Galleries



shadowsock r

How to Talk Foolish

Fire Brand

Test your Lateral Thinking

Spy Kid


Film Fun


Just Gotta Dance


Second Delivery

Just Found This

Is More

Next Act


Journal of Distraction

Classical Stalker

Rights and Wrongs

Wardrobe Malfunction

Treacher Teacher

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Is Sequel

shadowsock r

That's Gotta Hurt

Sooty and Sweep Macbeth



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Here Comes the Happy Bus

A Christmas Ghost Story

A Small But Dispiriting Incident


What Happened to the Old Site?



Pour les Bande-Dessinastes

shadowsock r

Get a Grip

CRU Files

Grievance Poetry

Slob Poetry

The Little Worm


shadowsock r

Clara and Miles Radio Script

About Me

Lumber Room



Ulrich Haarburste

Sample the rest of the delights of
Art of Europe, my kind new hosts

E-mail me (michaelhoratiokelly@yahoo.co.uk)

All material © me
All material written by me
Do not copy without permission

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